I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
