I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
