the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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