I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
