Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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