Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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