$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
