Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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