I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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