I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
