Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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