A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
