Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
