I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
