I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
