I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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