I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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