hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
