fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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