Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
