i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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