I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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