Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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