you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
