he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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