Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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