Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
