if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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