Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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