I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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