I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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