why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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