Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
