I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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