he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
