I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize