I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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