....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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