Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
