Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
