I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
