We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
