Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He passed out mid-signature
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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