a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
