I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
