watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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