just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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