You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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