I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize