capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
