I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
