everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I didn't notice because vodka
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
