4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
