she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am puke
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
