I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
