I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
